Of Board Games and Muffin Men
by Diporae
Summary: Crack. What happens when a sarcastic author decides to dabble in the realm of crack fan fics with The Shredder, Splinter, Donatello, and Karai as the objects of her insane ruminations? Where does the Muffin Man fit into it all? Just roll with it guys, hopefully it'll give you a laugh.


**A/N I do not own TMNT, but am forever grateful for their creation!**

**Hey all! So just want to tell you this is complete and total crack. It's by no means a work of art, but it needed to be done. Also, it is dedicated to my lovely bud Gwydion because without her I would have seriously never formed such crazy ideas XD Hopefully it gives you a laugh and no one is offended. Thanks for reading and no flames please!**

* * *

Of Board Games and Muffin Men

_Twenty-some Years Ago_

The table was spotted with red. Metallic silver glinted in the candlelight. Oroku Saki's narrow gaze met Hamoto Yoshi's. Yoshi readied his stance for battle. His fist was raised. Beads of sweat lined his brow. His fingers released. Now, all he could do was wait. Gravity would determine his next course of action.

Saki studied his foe, mouth dry with anticipation. Any moment now, the spinning would cease. Then it would either mean Saki's victory or his turn to make a move. Either way, he would win. It was only a matter of time until Yoshi's defenses finally crumbled under his might.

Finally, all was still.

Saki knew he had won. Yoshi glared down at his own treacherous steel that had forced him into an ocean of crimson. He knew his back was to the corner. This was it. He was done.

Wait.

Yoshi gave a tiny grin. He still had one trick up his sleeve – saved for just such an occasion. It would be this forgotten measure of safety taken so long ago that would ensure his survival. Now Saki had no choice but to tempt his final fate. As Yoshi flashed his orange saviour, Saki roared, "NO! Victory was supposed to be mine! How dare you use such a ruse?!"

"It is no ruse, Saki. I merely anticipated early on that I would find myself in this very situation, and took the necessary precautions."

"LIES! You cheated me!"

Yoshi could not hide his sly smile, "I did not. Your move, Saki."

Trying to recover his fumble the other fumed, "Do not smirk at me, Yoshi! You are just delaying the inevitable!"

"We shall see."

Eyes slited in anger, Oroku Saki snapped out his wrist. A soft _clunk clunk_ was all that was heard before Saki hissed, "_No…_"

Yoshi cruelly laughed, "Hah. It is _over_ Saki."

"No," Oraku Saki stood tall in ire, "You should have been mine! You stole my victory! You should have been done when you landed on Boardwalk! My hotel should have drained you!"

The "victor" mimicked his opponent's stance, "Admit it Saki. You lost. You always underestimate the power of the yellows! My Marvin Gardens did you in, yet again!"

"Only because you cheated! You stole that $500 from the bank!"

Yoshi deadpanned, "Just because I was the banker did not mean I stole from it."

Suddenly the table, the board, and its plethora of green houses and red hotels were flung to the ground. Amid the chaos, the tingy sound of the dog and the race car as they bounced on the tile echoes through the chamber. Breathing hard Saki hissed, "I have had enough of your games Yoshi! You always cheat! You are a treacherous snake! I cannot believe I _ever_ trusted you!"

"You threw the table again! Why can you not accept defeat in Monopoly like a normal person?"

Saki clenched his fists, "I do not admit defeat when it was taken by dishonourable means."

"For the last time," Yoshi cried in exasperation, "I did not cheat!"

"That is what you said about Settlers of Catan, Risk, and even Go Fish," the other seethed, "You cannot tell me I could lose at them all!"

"Maybe you're just really bad at board games," Yoshi responded flatly.

"Such insults!" Saki roared before he strode to the chamber's exit, "I swear I will have revenge for all your trickery Yoshi! Vengeance will be mine!"

The door slammed in Oroku Saki's wake. Shaking his head, Yoshi knew explaining this to their Father would be more than unpleasant.

* * *

_The Following Morning_

"My sons," the elderly head of the family glared down at his adult offspring, "Once more you refuse to speak at the breakfast table. I demand an explanation and this time it had better not involve the loss of some foolish child's game!"

For the first time that morning, the young men met each other's eyes. They could not dishonour their father with the truth behind their feud. Glancing around in panic, Hamato Yoshi caught sight of the tea nestled before him. A simple green tea blend made by Tang Shen Original. That was the solution! "Father," Yoshi politely responded, "We have been at war over a most dire matter indeed. You see," he pointedly looked at Saki, "We fight over the woman Tang Shen."

Raising his eye brows in surprise the greying man turned to his adopted son, "Is this true Saki?"

Immediately recognizing Yoshi's solution, Saki nodded, "Yes Father. Yoshi has stolen what was rightfully mine. He has stolen the heart of Tang Shen."

"Indeed?" The elder rose, "Then this is an affair you two must amend on your own, but remember you are brothers first and I am saddened that such a thing has caused you to suffer such strife."

Their Father departed and the two nodded in silent agreement. No one would take this matter of such great dishonour seriously if they knew the truth. They could not possibly understand the personal insults the two had endured from their Monopoly-borne battle. Yes, the fight was far from over, and if it had to take the guise of the mysterious Tang Shen, then so be it. After all what better use was a woman than a plot device?

* * *

_Present Day_

Donatello couldn't believe his luck. Originally they had been spying on the Shredder's base in hopes of determining who exactly the evil metal-clad ninja master was hoping to control with his newly developed mind-control serum; however, upon accidently falling through a vent, two staircases, and jumping over a random alligator-filled pit at the bottom of said staircases, Donatello found himself in the company of Karai. A Karai who was no longer a savage-yet-useless snake mutant, but was once more her ordinary I-have-daddy-issues self. Additionally, the last Foot guard on duty had foolishly left the keys to the entire fortress of doom – he this because they were helpfully labelled "_Keys to Shredder's Entire Fortress of Doom_" – a few feet from her prison. It was perfect! Now Donatello could release Karai, solve the mind-controlling mystery, and be back at home in time for pizza (because eating anything else at this point is clearly no longer an option. Health was never a huge priority for the turtles).

With Karai in tow, the two departed the room, and began to search for Shredder's secret study of solitude where all his best scheming took place. Conveniently, said room was across the hall from Karai's place of imprisonment – apparently the Shredder enjoyed hearing Karai's angry screams when plotting; mind what kind of villain would he be if he didn't? Equally fortuitous, Shredder was currently not in his study, and so Donatello and Karai had plenty of time to search for any documents that would give light to the evil ninja master's imminent plans of doom.

Opening a drawer to a lovely hand-carved walnut desk, Karai's attention was caught, "Donatello, come here."

Eager to see what Karai had found, the turtle raced over to her. "What did you find?" He asked because he needed to reaffirm to Karai that his running to her alone did not guarantee he was interested in her find.

Karai lifted a notebook from the drawer and Donatello's red-brown eyes widened at the sight. The spiral notebook was pink, infested with unicorns, and leaking of glitter. Opening the cover, the two read from the rose-scented title page, "_Oroku Saki's Diary and Guide to all Epically Brilliant Master Plans of Doom_ _especially those Involving Hamato Yoshi and his Stinky Turtle Pupils."_

"A bit of a mouthful isn't it?" The turtle questioned in favour of ignoring the "stinky" comment.

Karai shrugged, "It fits considering how much he loves to hear himself talk."

Nodding in agreement to the infallible logic of this statement, the turtle removed this treasure trove of fiendish knowledge from Karai's hands. After all, he was the smart turtle and so it should be he that automatically gets first dibs on anything involving the literary realm. Besides, Karai hardly was the one to take charge given her recent demotion to a plot device.

Luck (aka a sarcastic author who wants to keep this moving) continued to be on their side for the book did indeed hold what it had claimed. The Shredder evidently liked to keep all his thoughts in one seizure-inducing glittery place. However, the first entry that Donatello read was not in reference to the mind-control serum. No – because this plot needed a twist – the turtle was forced to gasp when he read the entry pertaining to a certain Monopoly game only a few decades previous. Noting Donatello's noteworthy gasp along with her own underemphasized ability to think and read on her own, Karai also gasped. There it was, in sparkly, strawberry-smelling, purple, and gelled ink, was written the truth behind Oroku Saki and Hamato Yoshi's feud. Even more startling was the discovery that Tang Shen, Karai's supposed mother and the supposed reason for much torment in many people's lives in the decades to come, was a fabrication based on a Japanese green tea company.

Understandably, Donatello was shocked. Unsurprisingly, Karai simply accepted the truth for what it was. She had done the same with Splinter so why could she not with her mother? The only question remaining was who were Karai's true parents? However, before further reading could be done – which was good because then The Shredder's top secret chocolate chip recipe would also be revealed to the world and his evil ninja rep would just not be the same after that – said evil villain supreme entered his study. Now was the obvious time for Karai to react to her heritage discovery, since informing your foe that you read his most intimate thoughts is always a good idea, "You lied to me! Tang Shen's not my mother! She never even was a real person!"

The Shredder shook his head, "Try to understand Karai. It was all for a noble cause. Think of the evil Hamato Yoshi inflicted on this clan!"

Not one to be ignored in this current reincarnation, Donatello boldly declared, "Noble cause? Evil inflicted? You two have been fighting for twenty years over a board game?! Even worse you dragged us into it!"

"You could never understand reptile." The Shredder leered, "But no matter. Those who are about to die do not need to understand. MUFFIN MAN!"

Karai and Donatello backed away from the entrance utterly terrified that they were surely about to face their doom via the imminent appearance of what would undoubtedly be some horrendously ugly and disgusting mutant made from blueberries, flour, and sugar (if no diabetics were considered in its making or celiacs for that matter, and so no one is left out: blueberry intolerant individuals). First came his shadow, then came his very normal foot – but a mutant cannot be judged by his shoe style alone – and then he was in view!

A completely ordinary, if slightly pimply, beanstalk of a young man carrying a tray of muffins dressed in a Robin Hood leotard and matching chapeau.

Donatello and Karai exchanged confused looks before Donatello burst out laughing, "Seriously? You're going to do us in with _that guy_? He's the one you've spent all this time trying to control?"

"Indeed," The Shredder appeared unperturbed by the turtle's insolence, "Muffin Man! Destroy them!"

The guy shrugged, "Kay," before tossing two muffins at Karai and Donatello's feet.

"Uh…" Donatello nudged one with his foot, "What? Do they explode or something?"

Karai poked on with her katana (magically acquired after her release), "Maybe they're poisonous?"

"Nah dudes," the Muffin Man nonchalantly responded, "They're just ordinary muffins."

Donatello raised an eye ridge, "And these will destroy us how?"

A tremendous crash came from above as a monstrous Kraathatrogon suddenly rocketed through the ceiling consuming turtle, girl, and muffins in one mighty gulp.

"Good girl Betsey," The Muffin Man praised, "Let's go practice your routine for this week's worm show."

The space worm proceeded to nuzzle the Muffin Man affectionately before the two departed from the hole that had recently been added to the Shredder's study.

* * *

_Meanwhile in a Vent Somewhere_

"Hey you think Don's ok?" Michelangelo asked.

Leonardo looked back at the smaller turtle, "He's been gone five minutes Mikey, I'm sure he's fine."

"Besides," Raphael snorted, "It's not like we don't know the target for the Tin Can's serum. Obviously it'll be me because I am just so much like The Shredder."

Michelangelo laughed, "You are so right dude!"

Raphael smirked, "I mean really, who else would it be? _The Muffin Man!_?"

The turtles snickered amongst themselves, while somewhere in the city a boy and his well-fed Kraathatrogon practiced her agility exercises.


End file.
